So I’m back to this place – The thing about not knowing
“No one knows you anymore
You're lost inside the walls you've built
A prison deep within your soul”
- Seventh Day Slumber (Missing Pages)
I feel tired.
I can feel strength in my body but my soul is tired. I want to move, my legs are healthy but my mind is broken.
Everything is on the surface. Like I’m talking and smiling, but deep within I’m in ruins. My dreams are so much better than my reality. If only I could sleep unending to numb this feeling.
I’m making conversations, I’m distracted but not fully. I can still feel sadness lurking within somewhere. It’s submerged in my thoughts. Shouldn’t I make the conversation linger to escape it? But I can feel the sadness trying to burst to the surface, to encompass me and take over.
I try to push the thoughts but no, it’s there forcing its way over me. I ponder a little about why I feel this way, is there a light at the end of the tunnel? Is there hope? Would it get better in time?
Then I remember it’s been years unending and still I’m struggling with this. It feels like it will never end. Yes it’s much better now, not as bad as before but still its damning effect on me is ever so strong.
“Why is everything so heavy?
To so much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what's bringing me down
If I just let go, I'd be set free”
- Linkin Park (Heavy)
Sometimes there’s relief but when the battle resurfaces, it drowns me. To see the one you care about go through so much, to watch helplessly…it kills me. When my personal demons come for me, I break but yet I seem to have a way of riding through. But when it’s someone I care about, it hits me harder, worse than I can handle.
I want this to end. To know there is hope and that life would become whole again. My soul is sick and my mind is tired. So many questions, wondering how a life that seemed all set for greatness could suddenly turn around and be a source of great concern…
Been praying, hoping and trusting. But now I question if this isn’t one of the times I should accept defeat. Give up and feel better? Maybe my holding on for hope, for that day when final resolution shall come is the reason why I break.
“My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place”
- Superchick (Beauty from pain)
Life is hard. My emotions speak volumes. It eats me from within. I’m helpless. Something money can’t solve. Nothing I can do.
I still remember that day I got the call, the day our lives never remained the same. That day I collapsed by the gate… seven years ago and we are still riding it. Been broken a thousand times over and now my strength can’t seem to carry on anymore.
“It's been seven whole days, seven whole days
Since I heard the phone ring.
Seven whole days, seven whole days
Since I heard your voice.
And I can't get the last words that you said,
Can't get those words out of my head.
It's been seven whole days, seven whole days
Of pure hurt.”
- Lea Michele (If you say so)
I saw this recently online – “you can’t heal if you remain in the same place where you fell sick.”
So I packed my bags and fled from my home.
The walls were caving in on me. Each day on sighting my compound, all the distractions from work wear off and I am reminded of the hurt, of what my reality has become.
I couldn’t breathe. I needed out, so I ran, I ran for my life…
“Run for your life, my love
Run and you don't give up
All that you are
All that you want
Run for your life right now”
- The Fray (Run for your life)
Depression. It seems to be the new fad everyone is talking about these days. But it’s real. I have fought this struggle for years, contemplated finding premature peace but alas I wasn’t brave enough.
I don’t think I can bring myself to actually hurting myself. Still, I don’t think if I find myself drowning, I’d struggle to swim up for air. I’ll most likely allow myself drift to oblivion.
Those days I’ll stay in bed all day, not thinking, just staying in because it felt safer being lost in time. But these days I have to work. If only I could freeze time, stay frozen, not having to deal with my reality or better still, have a memory wipe and start life anew, forgetting who I am, what I am and where I am coming from.
“The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out”
- Lifehouse (Broken)
Last month I was in a plane and there was a turbulence. I stared out the window and wondered just how much it would hurt before we all went out. I wasn’t scared, I was indifferent. I have been tried for years, so I thought, maybe it’s time to rest…
I find warmth just thinking of how it would have been if I never was born, how peaceful it would be if I didn’t exist, if I disappeared. Finally the pains would stop. The emptiness would be gone, the chills in my chest from the heavy knot wouldn’t be felt anymore. The feeling like the world is on my shoulders, walking around my room with my hands pulling at my hair, trying to burst from within myself…trying to stay calm but groans escape my lips, the stamping of my feet against my bed, the burying of my head into my pillows to drown the sobs, the suffocating shortness of breath, the squeezing of my eyes till it hurts and the slight headache that forms across my fore-head. All these would stop and I’d be gone for good, never to be haunted by these things I can’t control. Freedom.
“When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest”
- Linkin Park (Leave out all the rest)
My life is hard, I never asked for it…never asked to be born but yet I’m stuck in this world of pain. I can’t release myself, but I need a way out. I know I should get professional help, but I don’t trust Nigerians and our obsession with religion. I have my bible, motivational books, I pray on my own, I’ve got pastors for that.
There’s faith and there’s science. I know for sure that the moment the doctor talks about religion as a way out, that’s the day I’ll fall off the cliff and my only way out would be to use sleeping pills to knock myself out all day…so I stay away from doctors to protect myself ‘cus I’ve heard the stories…
I know another way out. But something kept holding me back. Something kept drawing me in, making me sink in despair, drowning into the darkness...the sadness so overwhelming yet comforting…music is the way out, travel is the way out but I couldn’t...
“The more I stray, the less I fear
And the more I reach, the more I fade away
The darkness right in front of me
Oh it's calling out and I won't walk away”
- Imagine Dragons (Rise up)
I ran from my home. I packed my bags and drove off. The farther I went, the easier I could breathe.
…a home ought to be that place you find comfort but now mine is my hell.
The first step I have taken to healing is running while praying I survive this. The second step is writing this, the third step is music, the forth step I think is wanderlust…hopefully after that I’ll be out of this sinking ship.
This is my road to recovery…
I choose to swim.
“I can barely stand right now.
Everything is crashing down,
And I wonder where you are.
I try to find the words to pray.
I don't always know what to say,
But you're the one that can hear my heart.
Even though I don't know what your plan is,
I know you make beauty from these ashes.
I've seen joy and I've seen pain.
On my knees, I call your name.
Here's my broken hallelujah.
With nothing left to hold onto,
I raise these empty hands to you.
Here's my broken, here's my broken Hallelujah
You know the things that have brought me here.
You know the story of every tear.
'Cause you've been here from the very start.”
- The Afters (Broken Hallelujah)