UNREQUITED…

#np: Have You Ever? – Brandy

“If you could love someone, and keep loving them without being loved back . . . then that love had to be real. It hurts too much to be anything else.”

― Sarah Cross, Kill Me Softly

I have realized I go through the same cycle each time I am trying to get over my feelings. I try not to initiate any form of communication. I don’t like calls, so calling is never a temptation. To avoid sending chats on Whatsapp, I have to delete the number. Then unfriend/unfollow on all social media outlets. After all, out of sight is out of mind. If I am not seeing your posts or pictures, slowly time takes its sweet time deleting you from my memory.

I silently hope she doesn’t initiate a chat or call to say hi, ‘cus I am very fragile when it comes to that. I could almost have forgotten about someone but once I see hello from them, all I have achieved trying to forget the person comes crumbling down and I am right back to where I started.

I used to worry about this cycle ‘cus it made me seem unstable. It’s one thing to decide to move on, but the heart rarely ever works in line with the brain. Even after deleting the number or unfriending on social media, I still have that one or two moments of momentarily weakness when I reach out. The next day I regret reaching out and it feels like all I have achieved trying to give space is wasted. At that point I have to start afresh... (It can be quite frustrating).

I thought about my ‘moving on cycle’ and I have decided not to beat myself about it anymore. It’s how I deal, how I move on. Instead of feeling unstable I have decided to accept it as my moving on process.

We all have our different coping mechanisms. Same way people react to things differently, its same way we all handle matters of the heart differently. This is the only way I know how to move on and it takes time for me to heal. I won’t allow myself feel inadequate or apologetic that I am not a robot who can just switch off his feelings at will.

One thing I have also realized is, for me to truly move on I must make my feelings known. Even when I know it’s headed nowhere, to truly move on, most times I have to let the other know how I feel. Until I inform them, I never really move on, I just suffer undue torture in silence.

“To burn with desire and keep quiet about it is the greatest punishment we can bring on ourselves.”

― Federico García Lorca, Blood Wedding and Yerma

Do you ever wish or think at times, that maybe the love you feel should be enough for both of you? Ever loved someone so much but it’s like they don’t even know you exist? Still you feel the love so strongly, it’s almost bursting through your heart and you keep wondering how it is they don’t feel it too.

It’s weird when I think about it at times, how someone could love another so deeply but then it means nothing at all to the other person.

“Have you finally found the one you’ve given your heart to?

Only to find that one won’t give their heart to you

Have you ever closed your eyes and dreamed that they were there

And all you can do is wait for the day when they will care…”

-       Have you ever? (Bandy)

     It’s a helpless situation. Sometimes I wish the feelings could go through air and plunge right into the heart of the other. Or the feelings could have this magnetic attraction such that the other person is drawn into perspective as well.  Unrequited love has got to be one of the worst things ever, sincerely.

“Unrequited love is the infinite curse of a lonely heart.”

― Christina Westover

      I think I am drawn to people who are not available or those I can’t have. At the office, more than half of my colleagues I interact with actually believe I have a thing for married women. But that’s not true.

     Truth is I never ever really notice their wedding band. It’s when I ask my colleague about them, that’s when I realize the lady is married (with kids). That’s how I was at one of our branches recently. I saw this calm looking lady carrying out her duties with such elegance and grace. She had me spell bound and I couldn’t help but admire her calm nature. Just the type I like; calm and reserved, not those loud or seemingly social types with so much energy I can’t keep up with, they end up leaving me worn out or totally drained.

    I asked my colleague if she knew her. She was about replying but then she paused and let out a mischievous laugh saying that the thing has caught me again. The lady I was asking about was married with a kid. Oh well…four times unlucky.

 “Maybe I was destined to forever fall in love with people I couldn’t have. Maybe there’s a whole assortment of impossible people waiting for me to find them. Waiting to make me feel the same impossibility over and over again.”

― Carol Rifka Brunt, Tell the Wolves I'm Home

     My love has gone to waste again and I am in the process of moving on. I have deleted number like four times now. I feel drawn and in love but she’s taken.

     I am drawn to the messed up, those with issues/baggage. Their brokenness draws me to them and I develop this soft spot. Maybe it’s my natural tendency of providing solution that causes it, or the pain in me is comforted by their imperfection.

     There are those people you meet and you know right away, that along the line you are going to develop feelings for them. Now here lies my dilemma; I want to be their friend and be there for them through the stuff they are going through. Provide help in whatever way I can to ease their pain, but then, I know I would fall and I’ll most likely make a mess of the whole situation and then even complicate their life even further. 

     What do I do? Stay away and not help or do I try to ignore my feelings for the greater good? I can’t fool myself, never have I succeeded in ignoring my feelings. When I love, I love deep like I was given the emotion of two persons.

     Now I stay away, because those past experiences where I stayed and then my feelings complicated it turned it to a huge mess. The person not being sure of my intentions really hurt me. Sometimes I even doubted and started to question my good deeds if they were indeed genuine or did I offer a hand just so they would like me?

     This has got to be one of the worst feelings ever, loving someone who is taken or who can never love me the same….it’s exhausting and lonesome. Even worse when it prevents me from being a good friend to that person who needs a shoulder to lean on.

      I wish I stuck to my weekend routine of being alone, indoors and in my house. If I had kept to myself and not started hanging out with my colleagues during the weekend, I wouldn’t have met her. My life would still be easy and my heart would still be at peace. Now look what I have got myself into…