There's a reason I said I will be happy alone.
It wasn't because I thought I'd be happy alone.
It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it.
It's easier to be alone because what if you learned that you need love and then you don't have it.
What if you like it and lean on it?
What if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart?
Can you even survive that kind of pain?
Losing love is like organ damage, it's like dying.
The only difference is death ends.
This...it could go on forever.
Thursday 22 March 2012
Thursday 15 March 2012
Aftermath
In as much as I really didn't feel like writing this, I just had to complete the mini series. Well after monday things changed. I began to miss music and crave for my rock songs. I held on strong and kept on with the no music for the week decision. I was strong emotionally and I did not feeling down in any way. My roommies were easy to deal with, so much more easier especially as I focused on living right each day. There was no crazy behaviour on my part and I didn't join them in any of their idle conversations. In summary, Tuesday was a great day. I strengthened my self when I longed for music by playing a gospel album. I once update this sometime last year on facebook "take away music, you take away life" I think music is my second oxygen. I really can't do without any form of music for too long, I began to feel like I was drying up inside. I was suffocating and losing it. I decided to amend the rule to no rock music for the week. Though I felt I broke the rule when I payed a few Beyonce tracks, so I stopped after about five songs and switched to gospel.
Wednesday, hmm...that was a tough day. I didn't go to work and I regretted it because I did something I wouldn't have done if I had gone to work. That was my major flaw that week. Just like the previous days I really had free time to read of which I utilised reading. Best part was when I stumbled on two other writers on facebook. Boy! I was blown away by their write ups posted on facebook. I spent the remaining of that week reading all their facebook notes, learning new things about writing. When I got tired of reading from my phone I switched over to the book 'why you act the way you do' by Tim Lahaye. Really the book has been helpful, not only in making me understand myself and people in general, but it's also showing me ways I could over come my weaknesses.
Thursday at work was good. I really had an awesome time reading. It was refreshing reading other people's works and discovering new angles in writing a story. Well, I got home after cds meeting. I slept and woke up late afternoon then read till late evening. I made the mistake of not occupying myself in the evening. I was idle and just lay there on the floor. I felt it would be harmless, so I played Beyonce's latest album. But I was wrong. Songs like I care, I miss you, start over sort of got to me and well, I began missing x. It was so strong that I had to leave x a message on twitter. Turned out x deleted me for no serious reason. Anyway bottom line is I have my friend back or so I think.
It was a great experience staying away from rock music and various crap I normally feed myself. I have learnt a lot in terms of knowing what to avoid when at certain times in my life when I have to take full control of my emotions. Also I have realised indeed it pays to live each day one day at a time.
Friday, things improved. I felt at ease though wondering if I had made the right decision about contacting x. Well the day was great in the end. My roommates travelled to lagos so I enjoyed a peaceful day after work focusing on reading.
Saturday, hmm...the very day I longed for. I finally played my rocks songs and it was so refreshening hearing them again. At times I think its okay to stay away from certain things for sometime. Miss it for a while. That way you'll never abuse its value or take for granted its worth. I chatted with x later that day and filled x in on the new development. It was a mutual agreement there wouldn't be all day chatting anymore. We both have to devote time to other aspects of our lives. Self evaluation and self development are very essential to our individual maturity and growth. So this new week I have decided to stay off blackberry messenger! Yes I can do it. Thankfully my BIS is going to expire today. I refuse to chat away my talent and productive time.
Monday 5 March 2012
MY REALITY : day 1
It's monday morning. I feel okay, actually a lilltle too okay for comfort. There isn't going to be music this week. In as much as it seems like mission impossible I am hoping to go through with it successfuly. I am curious to know exactly how I will be after a week without depressing rock songs. This couldn't have come at a better moment. Once again a friend or should I say a crush just walked out of my life yesterday. Normally I use depressing rock songs to get over such. Truth is, it's a foolish idea because all I do is hurt the more and get really depressed. I start remembering beautiful moments shared. You know how deep cutting slow rock songs can be.
This is new for me. I feel fine and strong. No pain or hurt yet. I know it's partly due to the no music ish. This time I have decided to take a new approach to the whole getting over my feelings ish. I would be mature about it and also not indulge in any form of rebound what so ever.
This is kind of dark and twisted. I feel like I am channeling energy from my past sour relationships and friendships to get over this one. All I could think about yesterday was all the good friendships gone wrong, how I hurt and struggled to get over them. Somehow I am drawing strength from those past experiences and hurt. It's like I am telling my self if I could survive those, I can survive this especially one very particular past experience that broke me completely. I was crushed and it took me a while before I got back on my feet. So I am here alive and still open to love and beautiful friendships, I am like if I survived that I can survive this. Its so odd, I actually don't feel any hurt now. *Creepy*
In fact, I think I need a break from all emotional entanglenments. Maybe take a month of me time. Sincerely its good for me. I really need this and I coulddn't have wished for a better timing for my crush to have left.
I am in the office now, for those that read my sunday's note you would understand what I am doing. I am staying off every crap that I feed my mind which makes my faith diminish. So far so good. I feel so strong and I have not yet engaged in any filthy converstaion. Too early to celebrate because the third roomie ain't back yet. Wish me all the best of luck. I would come back with situation report at the end of the day...stay cool
Well its about 9:00 pm now and I'm on my bed. I survived today. I was in charge. Funny, my third roomie indeed came with temptaions but thank God I stood for righteousness. It was a good day though work was really boring. It wasn't all that tough being without music for a whole day, maybe it's because it's just the first day. I am really in a good place emotionally, no depression of any sort or hurting though my mind did travel once or twice to memories of the one that got away, especially when I was passed by the infamous billboard that bodly displays a large image of a look alike of you know who and the time I was going through pictures on my phone. Also, when I wrote my previous post I did feel bad for a moment. Apart from those times, once in a while I felt bad a little but the feeling didn't last for long.
Maybe indeed I am in denial or its all escapism becuase I really chatted a lot with old friends I had sort of ignored. Seems I am one of those people that tend to shut other friends out when they fall in love.
Seriously it was indeed wonderful chatting with people I had not dedicated quality time to chatting with ever since I got involved with you know who. It was indeed refreshening having different conversations with good friends. Another trick I discovered that could help one in getting over a break up, quarrel or end of freiendship is never stay idle. After a while I used the free time I have gained to start reading the book 'why you act the way you do', a self help book to help one know his or her temperament and find ways of overcoming his or her weaknesses. Also, I started reading an e-book, a John Grisham novel on my phone.
In all, this is even turning out good for me because time spent chatting all day with you know who can now be channelled into reading books that would help make me a better person and also help me develop my writing skills. Finally I can now finish reading all the John Grisham e-books I have had on my phone for a long time now.
Never stay idle when you just ended things with someone dear to your heart because you would end up depressed thinking about great memories that would sting your heart, stay away from depressing love songs or like in my case rock songs. Also, stay the heck away from romantic books and novels!
In a weird twisted way I feel so empowered, though from tomorrow I think I'll have to cut down on the chatting ish and focus more on reading. I see the truth clearly now, which is I didn't even take my own advice from my note 'chatting away our talents'. I was so caught up in all the warmth and love I found chatting all day with you know who. This is awesome and great! I remember reading this somewhere "a breakup may be the miracle you need". It all makes sense to me now. Or am I getting through all this by writing? Hmm...what matters is I'm fine and I feel good, no rebound, no hurting, no depression, no taking out emotional pains on people, no rock songs, no filthy communications, no feeding my mind crap.
I'm In such a greay place right now and I pray God sustains it, Amen.
This is new for me. I feel fine and strong. No pain or hurt yet. I know it's partly due to the no music ish. This time I have decided to take a new approach to the whole getting over my feelings ish. I would be mature about it and also not indulge in any form of rebound what so ever.
This is kind of dark and twisted. I feel like I am channeling energy from my past sour relationships and friendships to get over this one. All I could think about yesterday was all the good friendships gone wrong, how I hurt and struggled to get over them. Somehow I am drawing strength from those past experiences and hurt. It's like I am telling my self if I could survive those, I can survive this especially one very particular past experience that broke me completely. I was crushed and it took me a while before I got back on my feet. So I am here alive and still open to love and beautiful friendships, I am like if I survived that I can survive this. Its so odd, I actually don't feel any hurt now. *Creepy*
In fact, I think I need a break from all emotional entanglenments. Maybe take a month of me time. Sincerely its good for me. I really need this and I coulddn't have wished for a better timing for my crush to have left.
I am in the office now, for those that read my sunday's note you would understand what I am doing. I am staying off every crap that I feed my mind which makes my faith diminish. So far so good. I feel so strong and I have not yet engaged in any filthy converstaion. Too early to celebrate because the third roomie ain't back yet. Wish me all the best of luck. I would come back with situation report at the end of the day...stay cool
Well its about 9:00 pm now and I'm on my bed. I survived today. I was in charge. Funny, my third roomie indeed came with temptaions but thank God I stood for righteousness. It was a good day though work was really boring. It wasn't all that tough being without music for a whole day, maybe it's because it's just the first day. I am really in a good place emotionally, no depression of any sort or hurting though my mind did travel once or twice to memories of the one that got away, especially when I was passed by the infamous billboard that bodly displays a large image of a look alike of you know who and the time I was going through pictures on my phone. Also, when I wrote my previous post I did feel bad for a moment. Apart from those times, once in a while I felt bad a little but the feeling didn't last for long.
Maybe indeed I am in denial or its all escapism becuase I really chatted a lot with old friends I had sort of ignored. Seems I am one of those people that tend to shut other friends out when they fall in love.
Seriously it was indeed wonderful chatting with people I had not dedicated quality time to chatting with ever since I got involved with you know who. It was indeed refreshening having different conversations with good friends. Another trick I discovered that could help one in getting over a break up, quarrel or end of freiendship is never stay idle. After a while I used the free time I have gained to start reading the book 'why you act the way you do', a self help book to help one know his or her temperament and find ways of overcoming his or her weaknesses. Also, I started reading an e-book, a John Grisham novel on my phone.
In all, this is even turning out good for me because time spent chatting all day with you know who can now be channelled into reading books that would help make me a better person and also help me develop my writing skills. Finally I can now finish reading all the John Grisham e-books I have had on my phone for a long time now.
Never stay idle when you just ended things with someone dear to your heart because you would end up depressed thinking about great memories that would sting your heart, stay away from depressing love songs or like in my case rock songs. Also, stay the heck away from romantic books and novels!
In a weird twisted way I feel so empowered, though from tomorrow I think I'll have to cut down on the chatting ish and focus more on reading. I see the truth clearly now, which is I didn't even take my own advice from my note 'chatting away our talents'. I was so caught up in all the warmth and love I found chatting all day with you know who. This is awesome and great! I remember reading this somewhere "a breakup may be the miracle you need". It all makes sense to me now. Or am I getting through all this by writing? Hmm...what matters is I'm fine and I feel good, no rebound, no hurting, no depression, no taking out emotional pains on people, no rock songs, no filthy communications, no feeding my mind crap.
I'm In such a greay place right now and I pray God sustains it, Amen.
MY HEART'S PUZZLE
Is it possible to get so used to people leaving that you don't feel hurt the next time someone walks out of your life? Is it that one becomes so used to the idea people always leave that somehow you programme your mind in anticipation of the day they leave?
Does that mean that you really don't open up your heart fully anymore? If that's the case, can I then say you probably could have been the reason this last person left because you really didn't give your all. So in away you just might have screwed things up with that nothing to gain, nothing to lose attitude. We as humans have the tendency to be selfish and it's only natural that we'd want to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, so we try not to open up and commit fully just incase things don't work out well.
Someone once said "how do we expect our relationships to work out fine when we are already anticipating its end?" Seriously, who wamts to commit to something that he thinks doen't have a future? Really how do we expect a marriage to work if even before saying 'I do' we are already making plans for how the divorce settlement would be?
Seriously, I am in a fix here because I feel strange. Maybe I am in a different place in my life presently. Lately I have been pushing people away on purpose, there is a reason but then there was this special somone with whom I had this real connection and never thought I would push away. Yes, there was drama but we worked it through and hardly a day went by without us having this great conversation on blackberry messenger. Then came a time x threatened to walk.
Boy! I was shattered.
It was real scarry because all I could think of was the hurt and pain I was going to go through all over again. I have been there a lot of times and I just never learn my lesson. What can I say? I am a hopless romantic/i love having that special friend that I can share my day with. Well, back to the main ish, so I begged and we were back again. That was the point I realised x had power over me.
I remembered back then during my field practical training years when I was having issues with a close pal, a good friend gave me an advice "don't make your happiness dependent on another person or you would just end up being miserable"...I forgot this advice and I got burnt again. After that day, my subconscious began working and truth is the friendship was never the same again. Our conversation gradually began to slow down. I knew something was up.
I guess I was preparing myself. I took two days of me time. I was off blackberry messenger and I survived without communicating with x for those two days. To cut the long story short, we are done and x said goodbye by deleting me from blackberry messenger.
I thought it would be painful but nope, it didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. Truth is I love x a lot but right now I feel nothing. Yes I miss our conversations but I am not hurt. It's either I am now used to people leaving, which would be a terrible thing as with time I would get to a point where I would place little or no value on relationships and most likely end up taking people not so seriously, especially when the feeling that I wouldn't hurt when they leave takes root in me or it's either I am in denial phase and would break soonest or I am just grown up and taking this whole situation more maturely. But then, is having zero emotions a sign of maturity? I don't want to be a cold hearted asshole...
Truth is I don't feel normal that I am not hurting, I want to hurt. I want to grieve and deal with the loss of a good friend but I don't feel a thing. It's scary I must confess. Crazy thing is I feel so energized, with various inspirations for notes just coming to mind but I can't write all because of sensitivity reasons and out of respect for x.
I just hope I am not turning into Adele or Taylor Swift or Kate Hudson's character in how to lose a guy in ten days!!! *cring*
Does that mean that you really don't open up your heart fully anymore? If that's the case, can I then say you probably could have been the reason this last person left because you really didn't give your all. So in away you just might have screwed things up with that nothing to gain, nothing to lose attitude. We as humans have the tendency to be selfish and it's only natural that we'd want to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, so we try not to open up and commit fully just incase things don't work out well.
Someone once said "how do we expect our relationships to work out fine when we are already anticipating its end?" Seriously, who wamts to commit to something that he thinks doen't have a future? Really how do we expect a marriage to work if even before saying 'I do' we are already making plans for how the divorce settlement would be?
Seriously, I am in a fix here because I feel strange. Maybe I am in a different place in my life presently. Lately I have been pushing people away on purpose, there is a reason but then there was this special somone with whom I had this real connection and never thought I would push away. Yes, there was drama but we worked it through and hardly a day went by without us having this great conversation on blackberry messenger. Then came a time x threatened to walk.
Boy! I was shattered.
It was real scarry because all I could think of was the hurt and pain I was going to go through all over again. I have been there a lot of times and I just never learn my lesson. What can I say? I am a hopless romantic/i love having that special friend that I can share my day with. Well, back to the main ish, so I begged and we were back again. That was the point I realised x had power over me.
I remembered back then during my field practical training years when I was having issues with a close pal, a good friend gave me an advice "don't make your happiness dependent on another person or you would just end up being miserable"...I forgot this advice and I got burnt again. After that day, my subconscious began working and truth is the friendship was never the same again. Our conversation gradually began to slow down. I knew something was up.
I guess I was preparing myself. I took two days of me time. I was off blackberry messenger and I survived without communicating with x for those two days. To cut the long story short, we are done and x said goodbye by deleting me from blackberry messenger.
I thought it would be painful but nope, it didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. Truth is I love x a lot but right now I feel nothing. Yes I miss our conversations but I am not hurt. It's either I am now used to people leaving, which would be a terrible thing as with time I would get to a point where I would place little or no value on relationships and most likely end up taking people not so seriously, especially when the feeling that I wouldn't hurt when they leave takes root in me or it's either I am in denial phase and would break soonest or I am just grown up and taking this whole situation more maturely. But then, is having zero emotions a sign of maturity? I don't want to be a cold hearted asshole...
Truth is I don't feel normal that I am not hurting, I want to hurt. I want to grieve and deal with the loss of a good friend but I don't feel a thing. It's scary I must confess. Crazy thing is I feel so energized, with various inspirations for notes just coming to mind but I can't write all because of sensitivity reasons and out of respect for x.
I just hope I am not turning into Adele or Taylor Swift or Kate Hudson's character in how to lose a guy in ten days!!! *cring*
Sunday 4 March 2012
MY GUILT, MY DILEMMA, MY REALITY
The Sunday school teacher threw an open question to the class; ‘as youths how can we separate ourselves from the ways of the world so our faith can continue to increase?’ Without thinking, these answers fell from my mouth- ‘we should watch what we feed our mind, be careful of our conversations and choose our friends wisely’.
She nodded in agreement. I couldn’t have answered anymore correctly. ‘Princely has mentioned a lot of good points, now I will treat each one after the other’
I fell quiet. Sadden and broken.
Reason? Everything I said, I strongly believed and knew it to be the truth but sincerely as the words came out, I realized a bitter truth. I was guilty of not obeying them. Did you just say hypocrite?
Throughout the remaining part of the Sunday school I was quiet and heartbroken. My mind traveled through my life and all the mistakes I have made. Funny, I had the power to change things but I was just too lazy or too caught up in planning ahead forgetting about how I should live the present moment blamelessly. Indeed I was ensnared by my very own words. My answer rose up in judgment against me.
I was guilty.
I remember two weeks Saturday ago, how I bookmarked a page which streamed a particular soap opera. My better judgment was I shouldn’t even be watching it but no, I chose to even save it so I could go through it later.
I know I can be very emotional and easily influenced by depressing rock songs. Many times friends have told me to do away with such songs but I just keep listening to them, feeding my mind with crap that takes me down the valley of depression. This and many other things I do to fuel my weaknesses, of which I pray each day to God that I find His strength to overcome. But still I go back to fuel these by what I feed my eyes and ears. Truth be told all we see and listen to have a great impact in shaping our mind and how it works. There is no two way to it.
Am not all that a failure as such. I remember doing away with romance novels because they just helped to build a twisted idea of what true love is and the whole romance thingy that I began wanting a little too more than what obtains in reality, even beginning to think I could create my own fairy tale. It was easy doing away with such books because I replaced them with vampire novels and suspense novels which I have come to love.
I got lucky with that but today in church I realized I have replaced those romance novels with celebrity gossip sites, high school movies and comedy romance novels. Thought the effect on me isn’t that much but I know there is indeed a negative effect as I see myself longing for the things of this world especially all the wealth and glamour I see exhibited by these celebrities or the clothing, diamonds and blinks in these movie. Disobeying God’s very world that we shouldn’t envy the unbelievers or love the things of the world for theses are all of the flesh and the spirit of God in us wars against our flesh.
1st John 2:15-17 says “love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world. And the world passeth away, and the lust thereof, but he that doeth the will of God abideth for ever”
Talking about my friends or type of conversations, here I am really in a fix because it’s bad enough that people misunderstand my shyness for me being a snob. How really can one choose his friends without people judging you as proud, uptight or a snob?
I know I have to change a lot about me to live right but how easy would it be controlling my conversation when I live in a house where the word ‘strafe’ is heard countless times every day, save the weekends when the third roomie is not around. It’s easy to walk away from them when we are going to work or walking back home. I just fix my ear piece and play my music loudly to drown their voices or I simply walk slower or faster times when my battery is down but then I really can’t seem to have my way when we live in small self contain.
At work it’s so easy getting away when my colleagues want to start discussing crap. So easy to walk away, after all they had long branded me snob without even trying to understand that it takes some people much longer time to warm up and get used to new people than others.
Then again I am not all that guilt free because there are certain crazy behaviours we do at home for fun jokingly which I know full well I started and well, they picked it up. How do I change now? It would have been so easy to change if they hadn’t picked it up or liked it. It’s so easy for us as humans to learn and pick up bad traits from friends, or join filthy conversations. Damn!
At the end of the day you are left regretting that you participated, saying you would change but then you realize it’s beginning to seem like a pattern. You join in the talk, you regret it then say there would be no next time but sooner than you know it you are doing it again…
I know I have to change for real but here’s my dilemma, I easily get disappointed and now I am kind of scared that I would fail in my quest to change. This would not be the umpteenth time I would be deciding to separate myself from my roommates and their ways.
Yes to an extent I have succeeded but it’s just not enough or encouraging. I hate failing and I am scared that if I choose to go the mile again and be different, I would soon lose sight and fall right back to the wrong track. Next I would be making this decision again. Then I begin to question if truly I would ever over come or do I just walk in circles?
My reality is I must change because I am a Christian and I choose to live as one. In fact it’s a must. I know I have to do something about the songs especially, either I build such strong resistance or I do away with them totally. Then again, in a way they help in preserving my emotions because I know how cold and selfish I can be when I am all so strong emotionally that I get so scared of my very self. Yes I can be a devil at times. So I like my emotions because they make me feel human.
Do I wait for the remaining three months we have left in the NYSC scheme to phase out? Soon we would no more be roommates…what if Christ comes or I die? Can I afford to die in sin? And by the way I have prayed about this roommate issue just in case the thought crossed your mind.
Someday, somehow I know I am going to figure it out with God’s help but one thing I know I don’t want to ever be is a hypocrite. So I guess I have to be tough and make a stand, pick a team and commit, fight for that team.
I would have to try a week without my music and see how things turn out. Also I would have decided to do my best to stop worrying about the fear of failing and concentrate on living right each day, praying for grace to live each day one at a time, that way I think it would be much easier to focus and live right. God help me through…
She nodded in agreement. I couldn’t have answered anymore correctly. ‘Princely has mentioned a lot of good points, now I will treat each one after the other’
I fell quiet. Sadden and broken.
Reason? Everything I said, I strongly believed and knew it to be the truth but sincerely as the words came out, I realized a bitter truth. I was guilty of not obeying them. Did you just say hypocrite?
Throughout the remaining part of the Sunday school I was quiet and heartbroken. My mind traveled through my life and all the mistakes I have made. Funny, I had the power to change things but I was just too lazy or too caught up in planning ahead forgetting about how I should live the present moment blamelessly. Indeed I was ensnared by my very own words. My answer rose up in judgment against me.
I was guilty.
I remember two weeks Saturday ago, how I bookmarked a page which streamed a particular soap opera. My better judgment was I shouldn’t even be watching it but no, I chose to even save it so I could go through it later.
I know I can be very emotional and easily influenced by depressing rock songs. Many times friends have told me to do away with such songs but I just keep listening to them, feeding my mind with crap that takes me down the valley of depression. This and many other things I do to fuel my weaknesses, of which I pray each day to God that I find His strength to overcome. But still I go back to fuel these by what I feed my eyes and ears. Truth be told all we see and listen to have a great impact in shaping our mind and how it works. There is no two way to it.
Am not all that a failure as such. I remember doing away with romance novels because they just helped to build a twisted idea of what true love is and the whole romance thingy that I began wanting a little too more than what obtains in reality, even beginning to think I could create my own fairy tale. It was easy doing away with such books because I replaced them with vampire novels and suspense novels which I have come to love.
I got lucky with that but today in church I realized I have replaced those romance novels with celebrity gossip sites, high school movies and comedy romance novels. Thought the effect on me isn’t that much but I know there is indeed a negative effect as I see myself longing for the things of this world especially all the wealth and glamour I see exhibited by these celebrities or the clothing, diamonds and blinks in these movie. Disobeying God’s very world that we shouldn’t envy the unbelievers or love the things of the world for theses are all of the flesh and the spirit of God in us wars against our flesh.
1st John 2:15-17 says “love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world. And the world passeth away, and the lust thereof, but he that doeth the will of God abideth for ever”
Talking about my friends or type of conversations, here I am really in a fix because it’s bad enough that people misunderstand my shyness for me being a snob. How really can one choose his friends without people judging you as proud, uptight or a snob?
I know I have to change a lot about me to live right but how easy would it be controlling my conversation when I live in a house where the word ‘strafe’ is heard countless times every day, save the weekends when the third roomie is not around. It’s easy to walk away from them when we are going to work or walking back home. I just fix my ear piece and play my music loudly to drown their voices or I simply walk slower or faster times when my battery is down but then I really can’t seem to have my way when we live in small self contain.
At work it’s so easy getting away when my colleagues want to start discussing crap. So easy to walk away, after all they had long branded me snob without even trying to understand that it takes some people much longer time to warm up and get used to new people than others.
Then again I am not all that guilt free because there are certain crazy behaviours we do at home for fun jokingly which I know full well I started and well, they picked it up. How do I change now? It would have been so easy to change if they hadn’t picked it up or liked it. It’s so easy for us as humans to learn and pick up bad traits from friends, or join filthy conversations. Damn!
At the end of the day you are left regretting that you participated, saying you would change but then you realize it’s beginning to seem like a pattern. You join in the talk, you regret it then say there would be no next time but sooner than you know it you are doing it again…
I know I have to change for real but here’s my dilemma, I easily get disappointed and now I am kind of scared that I would fail in my quest to change. This would not be the umpteenth time I would be deciding to separate myself from my roommates and their ways.
Yes to an extent I have succeeded but it’s just not enough or encouraging. I hate failing and I am scared that if I choose to go the mile again and be different, I would soon lose sight and fall right back to the wrong track. Next I would be making this decision again. Then I begin to question if truly I would ever over come or do I just walk in circles?
My reality is I must change because I am a Christian and I choose to live as one. In fact it’s a must. I know I have to do something about the songs especially, either I build such strong resistance or I do away with them totally. Then again, in a way they help in preserving my emotions because I know how cold and selfish I can be when I am all so strong emotionally that I get so scared of my very self. Yes I can be a devil at times. So I like my emotions because they make me feel human.
Do I wait for the remaining three months we have left in the NYSC scheme to phase out? Soon we would no more be roommates…what if Christ comes or I die? Can I afford to die in sin? And by the way I have prayed about this roommate issue just in case the thought crossed your mind.
Someday, somehow I know I am going to figure it out with God’s help but one thing I know I don’t want to ever be is a hypocrite. So I guess I have to be tough and make a stand, pick a team and commit, fight for that team.
I would have to try a week without my music and see how things turn out. Also I would have decided to do my best to stop worrying about the fear of failing and concentrate on living right each day, praying for grace to live each day one at a time, that way I think it would be much easier to focus and live right. God help me through…
MY CODY LOVE (all in my imagination)
I loved you and I was ready to give you my all but I guess it just was not enough. We have all the very right reasons not to be. Normally I would walk away but I chose to stay and turn off my feelings hoping we’d turn out the very best of friends. But right now, where we are, the only thing that seems clear is all that’s standing in our way.
In as much as all we had and shared was real and I appreciate beautiful times and moments, I hate to add us to my list of bitter sweet experience. Maybe I need a change, maybe am tired of short lived relationships. All I need now is stability and something long lasting. I am intense and spontaneous but you want to take it slow. I believe the passion is in the risk but you believe strongly in staying safe.
I love the rush, it makes me feel alive. But you just want to lay back taking each step carefully, planning each moment so carefully you take the fun out of everything. I told myself I won’t let you go, because friendship is all about appreciating our differences and learning from each other. But it seems all you want to do is turn me into you, into someone I wouldn’t recognize when I look into my mirror. Tell me, how can you get the best of me if I am no more that unique being I was created to be?
Yes I come with a lot of emotional baggage and probably have a twisted idea of what love and friendship is, but still I am me and my eccentricity trips you and you even said it, you have never seen my type and it’s my uniqueness that makes you stay, that intrigues you and you have never dug anyone the way you dig. Why isn’t all this enough for you?
I thought we’d brave the distance and work things out, make this last but now I stand here watching you move back into the arms of your ‘former’ who once left you just to enjoy juvenile delinquency. Now I feel used, like I was used by you to pass the time pending when the prodigal son would come back home. I refuse to be the other guy. The guy that’s kept at the background and remembered only when you are alone and the other isn’t around.
I am better than that. I mean so much more and therefore wouldn’t allow myself to be treated as such. Guess finally I face what I fear most; losing you. But this time it’s worse because I am actually losing you to someone else, someone I know doesn’t love or value you as much as I do. I know soon he would run off again back to his crazy wayward ways, leaving you alone once again and then I’d be the one you would turn to again. But no, I won’t be there…
It’s hard enough being just friends with you when I love you so much and know I could be more than just a friend to you. But this I can’t take. I love you so much but there’s a limit to what my love can take. What I feel for you is more than a physical thing. Like Kelly Clarkson sang, I don’t want to make love, I want to make love last.
I had dreams about us. Lyrics of Ron pope come to mind this moment as I write with a bleeding heart…’I was praying that you and me might end up together but it’s like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert’…
It’s a tough decision and I know the next few weeks are going to be real crappy for me. Getting over you, over us, over all we built is going to be war and would definitely tear me into shreds. I could take the easier path and stay but then that would be plain indiscipline sticking with someone who could never love me as much as I do. So I’m going to save myself by leaving you now.
What hurts the most was being s close and having so much to say and watching you walk away and never knowing what could have been….(Rascal flats).
You were the best part of my day, the only one that made blackberry messenger fun for me. At a point I didn’t mind if you were the only contact I had because you were my centre of attention. Like they say, in every relationship be it friendship, romantic relations, father/mother and child…there’s always one that loves the most. Seems it’s me or maybe I just have the unfortunate luck of meeting people that are not as expressive of how they truly feel.
Guess like Kelly Clarkson also sang,“I’m breaking my own heart, taking it down a lonely road’…well I’m going to stop writing now, shut out the world by putting my ear plugs in my ears and drown myself in depression as I listen to our songs against my better judgment.
In as much as all we had and shared was real and I appreciate beautiful times and moments, I hate to add us to my list of bitter sweet experience. Maybe I need a change, maybe am tired of short lived relationships. All I need now is stability and something long lasting. I am intense and spontaneous but you want to take it slow. I believe the passion is in the risk but you believe strongly in staying safe.
I love the rush, it makes me feel alive. But you just want to lay back taking each step carefully, planning each moment so carefully you take the fun out of everything. I told myself I won’t let you go, because friendship is all about appreciating our differences and learning from each other. But it seems all you want to do is turn me into you, into someone I wouldn’t recognize when I look into my mirror. Tell me, how can you get the best of me if I am no more that unique being I was created to be?
Yes I come with a lot of emotional baggage and probably have a twisted idea of what love and friendship is, but still I am me and my eccentricity trips you and you even said it, you have never seen my type and it’s my uniqueness that makes you stay, that intrigues you and you have never dug anyone the way you dig. Why isn’t all this enough for you?
I thought we’d brave the distance and work things out, make this last but now I stand here watching you move back into the arms of your ‘former’ who once left you just to enjoy juvenile delinquency. Now I feel used, like I was used by you to pass the time pending when the prodigal son would come back home. I refuse to be the other guy. The guy that’s kept at the background and remembered only when you are alone and the other isn’t around.
I am better than that. I mean so much more and therefore wouldn’t allow myself to be treated as such. Guess finally I face what I fear most; losing you. But this time it’s worse because I am actually losing you to someone else, someone I know doesn’t love or value you as much as I do. I know soon he would run off again back to his crazy wayward ways, leaving you alone once again and then I’d be the one you would turn to again. But no, I won’t be there…
It’s hard enough being just friends with you when I love you so much and know I could be more than just a friend to you. But this I can’t take. I love you so much but there’s a limit to what my love can take. What I feel for you is more than a physical thing. Like Kelly Clarkson sang, I don’t want to make love, I want to make love last.
I had dreams about us. Lyrics of Ron pope come to mind this moment as I write with a bleeding heart…’I was praying that you and me might end up together but it’s like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert’…
It’s a tough decision and I know the next few weeks are going to be real crappy for me. Getting over you, over us, over all we built is going to be war and would definitely tear me into shreds. I could take the easier path and stay but then that would be plain indiscipline sticking with someone who could never love me as much as I do. So I’m going to save myself by leaving you now.
What hurts the most was being s close and having so much to say and watching you walk away and never knowing what could have been….(Rascal flats).
You were the best part of my day, the only one that made blackberry messenger fun for me. At a point I didn’t mind if you were the only contact I had because you were my centre of attention. Like they say, in every relationship be it friendship, romantic relations, father/mother and child…there’s always one that loves the most. Seems it’s me or maybe I just have the unfortunate luck of meeting people that are not as expressive of how they truly feel.
Guess like Kelly Clarkson also sang,“I’m breaking my own heart, taking it down a lonely road’…well I’m going to stop writing now, shut out the world by putting my ear plugs in my ears and drown myself in depression as I listen to our songs against my better judgment.
Thursday 1 March 2012
IN DEATH SHE FOUND HER PEACE
It was a dark starry night. The atmosphere cooled as the night breeze blew through the small town. A stranger could easily be spotted in a split second the minute he stepped into the town. It was like an extended family where no one’s business was a private matter. They cared and looked out for each other. Right there at the centre of the town at back of the mayor’s house was a troubled young woman.
She was kicked out of her home. Her friends were scared of her, her family was embarrassed by her, and society rejected her. She was just a little being, fragile and alone in this world.
They called her crazy, mad, insane. Others called her a witch. She was a taboo, a disease no one wanted to get infected with. She cried out each day, her screams carrying a message yearning for love and understanding but no heart understood.
She was to be exorcised that night but her mother’s frail heart could not take it. She stood there looking down at her beloved daughter. She was a shadow of her once beautiful self. Lost and trapped within her very self, completely shut from the world. Sorrow filled her eyes as she stared at her daughter wondering if she still recognised her.
Gradually the poor lad had slid into a dark abyss, her mind completely shielded by a grave emptiness that made her lose contact with reality. At first she laughed oddly for no reason and then she began to hallucinate, hearing strange voices and acting weird till she was finally consumed by the demons who sought her soul. Her bizarre behavior, disorganized thinking and speech, decreased emotional expressiveness, and social withdrawal made her an outcast.
She wasn't going to let them harm her daughter. She cut her loose from the chains they used to bind her feeble legs and hands. Even her neck wasn’t spared the clutch of those rusty old chains.
Into the wild Bimbo fled. Blood streamed freely from the bruises that decorated her skin. Some she had inflicted on herself, others inflicted by the ignorant society who didn’t comprehend her demons.
She ran as fast as her scrawny legs could carry her. She fell. Her pale face half buried in the ground. Her dried tongue had a taste of the frigid soil. Sorrow filled eyes with dark circles around them looked up to the sky. Tears rolled down her cheeks as her demons took over.
She screamed.
She swirled on the naked soil.
She could hear the voices. They were coming close. She could feel their presence. Sometimes she saw their blurry faces as they faded into the thin air, but tonight she could barely see a thing through her blood shot eyes. They kept hunting her, pushing her mind off the edge. She shook her head violently. She needed to blurt them out of her head.
Her hands dug into the soil. Her filthy finger combed through her unkempt hair. Her nails trailed through the soil. Violent screams frightened the birds of the air. She cringed. There was no one to care for her, no one to love this unfortunate twenty year old.
She picked a stone and began to tear her parched skin into pieces in an attempt to release herself from the invincible chains that held her bound. Chains that held her down, that ruined her dreams of growing up, of falling in love, of suffering a broken heart that would have been made whole again by her prince charming,
Her star was stolen. Her light dimmed as the cold penetrated into her chest. Her heart froze. For once, she felt absolute peace. Her face became pale. A smile cut through her peeled lips as she faded into the peaceful embrace of death. The war was over.
No more could schizophrenia hunt her….
She was kicked out of her home. Her friends were scared of her, her family was embarrassed by her, and society rejected her. She was just a little being, fragile and alone in this world.
They called her crazy, mad, insane. Others called her a witch. She was a taboo, a disease no one wanted to get infected with. She cried out each day, her screams carrying a message yearning for love and understanding but no heart understood.
She was to be exorcised that night but her mother’s frail heart could not take it. She stood there looking down at her beloved daughter. She was a shadow of her once beautiful self. Lost and trapped within her very self, completely shut from the world. Sorrow filled her eyes as she stared at her daughter wondering if she still recognised her.
Gradually the poor lad had slid into a dark abyss, her mind completely shielded by a grave emptiness that made her lose contact with reality. At first she laughed oddly for no reason and then she began to hallucinate, hearing strange voices and acting weird till she was finally consumed by the demons who sought her soul. Her bizarre behavior, disorganized thinking and speech, decreased emotional expressiveness, and social withdrawal made her an outcast.
She wasn't going to let them harm her daughter. She cut her loose from the chains they used to bind her feeble legs and hands. Even her neck wasn’t spared the clutch of those rusty old chains.
Into the wild Bimbo fled. Blood streamed freely from the bruises that decorated her skin. Some she had inflicted on herself, others inflicted by the ignorant society who didn’t comprehend her demons.
She ran as fast as her scrawny legs could carry her. She fell. Her pale face half buried in the ground. Her dried tongue had a taste of the frigid soil. Sorrow filled eyes with dark circles around them looked up to the sky. Tears rolled down her cheeks as her demons took over.
She screamed.
She swirled on the naked soil.
She could hear the voices. They were coming close. She could feel their presence. Sometimes she saw their blurry faces as they faded into the thin air, but tonight she could barely see a thing through her blood shot eyes. They kept hunting her, pushing her mind off the edge. She shook her head violently. She needed to blurt them out of her head.
Her hands dug into the soil. Her filthy finger combed through her unkempt hair. Her nails trailed through the soil. Violent screams frightened the birds of the air. She cringed. There was no one to care for her, no one to love this unfortunate twenty year old.
She picked a stone and began to tear her parched skin into pieces in an attempt to release herself from the invincible chains that held her bound. Chains that held her down, that ruined her dreams of growing up, of falling in love, of suffering a broken heart that would have been made whole again by her prince charming,
Her star was stolen. Her light dimmed as the cold penetrated into her chest. Her heart froze. For once, she felt absolute peace. Her face became pale. A smile cut through her peeled lips as she faded into the peaceful embrace of death. The war was over.
No more could schizophrenia hunt her….
ON HIS WINGS DID I FLY
Fresh out of secondary school and straight into the university courtesy the then newly introduced post jamb test. We were the first set of students to be admitted via such test. I came into school, registered and it was time for studies. Like most ambitious fresh students I had my eyes on the top prize; graduating with a first class. I believed that with a lot of hard work and God’s help it was attainable, though I had my doubts considering the caliber of persons in my department. In first year we were over a hundred in my department, but at final year we became seventy-something due to reasons like transfer to other departments, change of institution by some or change of faculty amongst other reasons. I was in the most populated department out of the six departments in the faculty and most of them had intimidating pume and jamb scores. Mine was nothing to compare with theirs.
Hundred level first semester, hmm…boy was I lost? I had no life to say the least. The only persons I talked to in class were those I met in the temporary hostel. It was just me and my books. I was either in the room reading or in class reading or receiving lectures. Most of the times I ever went to fellowship was when people from fellowships came to invite me to church. I can’t remember how many fellowships I visited then before finally settling in Christian fellowship international in my second semester.
The courses for first semester seemed relatively easy as it was mostly the same thing I had done in secondary school but my results proved otherwise. I was heartbroken the day I saw my first semester result, though grateful I had no carry over. Even when I had not yet taken the God factor in my academics seriously and with the right understanding, He had started working his miracles. I remember entering the all for physics 111 exam with bad health, I wrote the exam with speed and didn’t bother going through but God didn’t let me fail that course.
My result both first and second semester was buttered with a lot of B’s, far from what I expected. But God used that to help me refocus and rearrange my priorities. I told myself I was never going to indulge in any form of examination malpractice throughout my stay in the university. Then in secondary school, I had this circle of friends during tests and exams we’d help each other by telling ourselves the answers we didn’t know. Well, after writing my jamb examination without anyone’s help and passing the post jamb exams also I realized with God’s help I could actually write any exam myself. Then came my greatest temptation in my second semester exam (maths 123). Mathematics, hmm… the course I hated so much I never had the patience to study it. It was the only subject I failed in secondary school (jss 2 and ss2 2nd terms respectively). Here I was in the university faced with the nightmare again. I remember in the hall I went completely blank. I counted the answers I was sure of, they were just thirteen, that’s forty six over hundred and that would definitely give me a beautiful F.
I looked around, the invigilators were far away. I fought myself so hard not to ask the girl sitting by me till I finally submitted. I went to the hostel sad, believing I had just recorded my first carry over. I counted it a big miracle the day I saw my results and found out I had an E in the course. I didn’t care, I had passed it and I wouldn’t be going through the nightmare of writing the course again.
My C.G.P.A for hundred level really brought my hopes down, especially as I put a lot of effort in reading and preparing for the exams. I was not even among the top 50 in my class. I had a lot of B’s and just one A at the end of the first year. Not even in the GST courses which every Tom, Dick and Harry had A’s in. Quite a number of persons had five A’s at the end of the year thanks to the GST courses, but there I was with just one A. I was broken hearted and dejected. I had three E’s in three 3 credit courses (maths 123, chemistry 121 and chemistry 122). Just one E in a three credit course could bring down someone’s G.P drastically but I had three! My C.G.P.A was far below my expectation. It was a second class lower C.G.P.A. Academically I was a nobody in class, I guess socially too. Making a second class upper began to seem like an impossible mission.
Two hundred level came and I decided to change. I became regular in church though I still didn’t go for weekly services then till later on. I began to loosen up and started interacting with a few classmates. I read whenever I had the strength to read. I just wanted to graduate with a comfortable second class upper. I was not even dreaming of a four point G.P because it felt like an uphill task.
I stopped reading during the infamous ‘them don paste am’ era, that was close to the 2007 elections which was followed immediately with about two months strike by ASUU. I utilized the strike period well, going to school each day to read. When school resumed session, I was through reading I didn’t even have to go to night class. I revised each day on my bed after all I was not after a first class, just a comfortable second class upper. I still held on to my resolution not to cheat or ask anyone in the examination hall for answers. I found a comfortable seat at the front of the exam hall, just by the door which I sat on for most of my exams till I graduated. That seat later became well known as Princely’s exam seat. During later years, colleagues and lecturers teased me saying maybe I had written expo on the seat or jazzed it.
The only challenging course then was CSC (paschal programming). That course was abstract and weird to say the least. Heaven knows I didn’t know what I shaded in the hall that day. Results for the first semester two hundred level were released but CSC wasn’t released. My result brought a beautiful smile to my face. I had A’s and B’s. This time the A’s were more. Second semester was a lot better. I opened up to more classmates and made new friends. I started going for weekly services and joined a unit in fellowship. There was hope.
Second semester ending I got involved in a little gossip girl situation between a new friend of mine, his girlfriend and one of her ‘friend’. That brought out my leg in class and made me known to certain peeps in class. Well I paid for it with my grades. A night to one of my exams I was busy exchanging text messages just to expose the culprit instead of reading. That was an A course but I ended up having a B.
Looking back, I would say I was a complete student. I had all the grades from A to F. Even the two types of missing result, I had them. First missing result was recorded in two hundred level second semester when my result for the course wasn’t pasted on the result board so I had to meet my course adviser who then searched the raw scores and found my grade. The typist had omitted it. The second missing result was in three hundred level first semester when my result was never found so I had to re-write the course again in my fourth year.
At the end of my second year I had to meet my course adviser to check my paschal programming result and I expected to have an E or a D since that was what most people had in that odd course we all knew nothing about. I wasn’t expecting an F, after all my name was listed amongst the successful students in the result summary pasted on the board. I was shocked when my course adviser told me I had an F. I couldn’t believe it. I argued with him till he eventually showed me my raw score- 32. All that was on my mind that day was how I was going to prepare for the course that seemed to be written in Arabic. How on earth was one supposed to understand programming without a computer to practice with? I was troubled, but little did I know that true to God’s word, things were working out for my good. That was my only carry over course throughout my university education, but boy! It’s one carry over I thank God for always. The weird course was changed to a much easier course of which I wrote in fifteen minutes tops and came out with a beautiful result. Talk about beauty from pain. Then the course was returned back to paschal the next year after I had written the simple course. Indeed my academics was in God’s hands. My final C.G.P.A was a second class upper; actually it was a four pointer.
Three hundred level, I joined Fellowship of Agricultural Christian Students and became the editor in chief after serving as the assistant editor. I made more friends in class. Life was beginning to make sense as an undergraduate. I resumed night class reading. Things were awesome academically but I was going through serious personal issues. My academics were indeed in God’s hands and He never let my personal issues affect my studies. Emotionally I was a mess, trying so hard to figure things out and deal with moods wings, depression and other serious crap that was eating me up slowly.
My first semester result blew me away. I remember vividly how I shouted the day I set my eyes on the result board. It was much more than I had expected or hoped for. AGR311, a statistics course which scared the living day light out of so many of us, I had an A even after answering only two questions correctly and the other two questions I made serious mistakes in and left a lot of blank spaces. I also had an A in biochemistry, of which I left the exam hall depressed because I felt I had written crap. I remember how I had to stop reading a night before the biochemistry exam so I could attend mid week service hoping to continue reading after church but I couldn’t because it rained heavily so I ended up on my bed. The exam was slated for afternoon, so I spent all morning cramming the course. In the exam hall it was like my brain was all jammed up. I wrote whatever came to mind mixing up information. In fact I felt I wrote a total mess, so you can imagine my surprise when I had an A.
I was so elated by my result that it took me several minutes before I realized a result was missing. That was my second missing result case. Despite all the letters I wrote and various visits paid to the lecturer in charge of the course, nothing was done to rectify it so I had to re-write the course the following year. It was a blessing to me. I know that with what I wrote the first time, I probably would have had a B but I ended up having an A after rewriting it.
At the end of three hundred level, I had my first 1st class C.G.P.A. I was humbled at how far God had brought me from amongst the bottom of the class to amongst the top. At the end of that year I was among the top five going by that year’s G.P.A but cumulatively I was among the top 20. God was lifting me up academically and my hope for a second class upper turned into that of a first class. I became ambitious and wanted more.
Then I lost it. I began to focus so much on attaining a first class. I began making excuses and held on to the theory that since secondary school I always did better in the essay section of each exam than in the objective section, that’s why I didn’t do so well in hundred level as it was all objective and part of two hundred level exams were also objective, but from three hundred level it was essay all the way.
Four hundred level came and results were released after the completion of our field practical training (F.P.T) year. We travelled to various out stations throughout the second semester after spending the first in school. At the end of the year we wrote sixteen exams on the various aspects of the fpt year. By now I was friends with a larger proportion of my class. I became known as ‘the crammist’. I became overtly ambitious, determined to do my best to make a first class. People saw me as a scholar but I didn’t see myself as such because I never forgot where I was coming from. I had the fourth best result in my department that year, another first class C.G.P.A and I was happy and the desire for a first class burned even more. I stopped going for weekly services, dedicated most of my time to reading and I didn’t have a social life.
Five hundred level, my final year…the best year I had in school, by now I was friends with almost everyone, even some people I never thought I’d ever talk with, I became friends with them and I realized how much I had lost those years I kept to myself. The guy who was once relatively unknown and nobody academically was now mentioned amongst the ‘candidates’ (a term coined for those who had the possibility of making a first class.). I was no more the hermit of the class. I had gone through drastic change and the McSteamy persona was born. To say the least, final year was my best year in school even though some of my lecturers tried to ruin it for me with their office politics.
The pressure was on first semester five hundred level. Everyone knew I didn’t talk or cheat during test and exams. The temptation of cheating was not there. It was me and God. By then my mood swings and depression was common knowledge so people joked that I would commit suicide if I didn’t make a first class. Each time they did, inside of me I laughed and felt good because I never even dreamt I’d be amongst the tip of my class after my first year or even get close to making a first class. So yes, they could joke all they wanted. That I was close to making it was enough miracle in itself.
Two courses FOW511 and AEE5114, well AEE514 was the greater nightmare. We heard all sorts of talk about the lecturer and how hard it was to even get a C in his course. At times I wished I entered school with the previous set because theirs seemed all so easy. They had good lecturers and their class was not so competitive academically unlike mine. I did my final reading for AEE514 exam the night before the exam day with my night class mates. The pressure to pass the course was so much that night I could hardly understand a thing I read. I closed my book, went out into the dark and prayed. I went back to the class, packed my books and went to sleep. Early the next morning I went to the class and began cramming the entire course which was to be written that evening. I took some major risks FOW511 also. I also crammed the entire course the morning of the exam. God’s grace and mercy was indeed on me, I didn’t forget anything I had crammed. Those that cram would testify how difficult and time wasting cramming can be. Thanks to the flawed educational system we have in Nigeria where a lecturer expects you to write down what he gave to you the same way, word for word, comma for comma, full stop for full stop. Those that read to understand had B’s while those that crammed had A’s. That was what they wanted so I had to give it to them.
The five hundred level first semester examinations were the easiest I ever wrote but thanks to office politics and the so called quality control, our grades were slashed. By first semester beginning we had about nine candidates and I counted myself blessed to be among them, but by the end of first semester it was just four left and at the end of second semester just two were awarded first class after all the grade slashing.
When I lost the ‘candidacy’ at the end of first semester, I didn’t bother again. In a weird way I actually felt free. My life became easier. I knew I was a winner deep down. God brought me up to this awesome height I once dared not dream of. I remember a friend told me she was surprised I didn’t kill myself. I laughed in reply and explained to her how my journey began and how grateful I was to even be counted among the candidates. I hardly read for my second semester exams. I felt there was nothing more to lose or anything else to gain. Even if I had straight D’s in my second semester I was going to still graduate with not just a second class upper but a four pointer C.G.P.A. That was the worst case scenario. I hardly read or went to night class. A friend once said to me, “no one would believe that Princely can become this unserious.” I was felt free and couldn’t care less. I even warned my closet pal then who was still a candidate to stay away from me as I would affect him negatively and advised he became reading mates with the other three candidates.
Results were released and as expected grades were slashed but I didn’t care anymore. I remember the last course I wrote (land economics and rural sociology), it was a miracle that I had an A in it because I barely read for the land economics part and as the very last paper I wrote it with speed. I wanted to graduate quickly and be done with higher institution. I didn’t even bother to cross check my work. I wanted to be through with UNIBEN. Before the final results were released I learnt that the number of A’s in the course was low because most people didn’t do well in the land economics part, the very part of the course I didn’t read well! Still I had my miracle and got an A in the course. That year I had my third 1st class C.G.P.A despite my unseriousness second semester.
I can proudly say by God’s grace that all my exams were written with God on my side and I never asked for any sort of help from anyone in any exam. I remember in 300 level during biochemistry practical, what I did kind of caused a stir amongst a few friends who knew what I did. We were told to identify lab equipments and there was a funny looking centrifuge, it actually looked like a toilet. I sat for minutes trying to figure out exactly what it was, just then my eyes fell on my neighbour’s script accidentally and I saw the answer. I wrote it down thanking my lucky stars but soon afterwards my conscience began pricking me. So I cancelled it and submitted like that. Well, to cut the long story short, just that one answer didn’t stop me from having an A.
In hundred level a final year carry over student begged me to teach her botany in the exam hall, after much pleading from her I finally taught her as I felt if she spilled because of me that was one cross I really wasn’t ready to bear. During the course of the exam, she pointed out a mistake I had made in one of my answers; I thanked her and corrected it hoping she hadn’t led me astray. I was so happy I did teach her after all she helped me too. But on getting to the hostel, I don’t know why, but immediately after confirming from my text book that she didn’t lead me astray the next thing I did was to open my bible and behold he passage my eyes fell on was ‘don’t rejoice in evil’. That was the moment I decided I would always seat in front in any examination to avoid the temptation of having to talk to anyone.
There were times certain courses frustrated me, times I felt like dropping out of school. Yes, there were times I really wanted to drop out of school for real. It wasn’t easy at all, but God led me to wonderful friends and classmates who helped me out in their individual special ways at one point or the other. Thanks guys, you guys helped a lot to lift so much weight off of my shoulders.
Even though I didn’t make a first class, God showed Himself mighty in my academics and I knew it was Him all the way. From amongst the bottom of the class He brought me up and I graduated amongst the top ten of my department. He lifted me so high. Even times when I really strayed away especially the McSteamy era, He still was faithful and despite all the office politics, grade slashing and project score magical reduction and the infamous quality control I graduated with a C.G.P.A of 0.2 shy of a first class. Indeed it was God all the way, His ways are so much more higher than ours and I know he is taking me somewhere because the thoughts \he has for me are thoughts of peace and not of evil to bring me to an expected end and indeed all things are working together for my good. These He proved over and over in my academics even times I felt certain courses where going the wrong way they always came out better than I thought.
I have learnt from my experiences academically and one thing I know for sure is that God never fails; He is able to do exceedingly, abundantly above all what we can ever ask or think. God made my reality even better and greater than what I dared dreamed of, and for that I would forever remain grateful. On His wings indeed did I fly to the top, soaring high heights I never once though I could attain.
Hundred level first semester, hmm…boy was I lost? I had no life to say the least. The only persons I talked to in class were those I met in the temporary hostel. It was just me and my books. I was either in the room reading or in class reading or receiving lectures. Most of the times I ever went to fellowship was when people from fellowships came to invite me to church. I can’t remember how many fellowships I visited then before finally settling in Christian fellowship international in my second semester.
The courses for first semester seemed relatively easy as it was mostly the same thing I had done in secondary school but my results proved otherwise. I was heartbroken the day I saw my first semester result, though grateful I had no carry over. Even when I had not yet taken the God factor in my academics seriously and with the right understanding, He had started working his miracles. I remember entering the all for physics 111 exam with bad health, I wrote the exam with speed and didn’t bother going through but God didn’t let me fail that course.
My result both first and second semester was buttered with a lot of B’s, far from what I expected. But God used that to help me refocus and rearrange my priorities. I told myself I was never going to indulge in any form of examination malpractice throughout my stay in the university. Then in secondary school, I had this circle of friends during tests and exams we’d help each other by telling ourselves the answers we didn’t know. Well, after writing my jamb examination without anyone’s help and passing the post jamb exams also I realized with God’s help I could actually write any exam myself. Then came my greatest temptation in my second semester exam (maths 123). Mathematics, hmm… the course I hated so much I never had the patience to study it. It was the only subject I failed in secondary school (jss 2 and ss2 2nd terms respectively). Here I was in the university faced with the nightmare again. I remember in the hall I went completely blank. I counted the answers I was sure of, they were just thirteen, that’s forty six over hundred and that would definitely give me a beautiful F.
I looked around, the invigilators were far away. I fought myself so hard not to ask the girl sitting by me till I finally submitted. I went to the hostel sad, believing I had just recorded my first carry over. I counted it a big miracle the day I saw my results and found out I had an E in the course. I didn’t care, I had passed it and I wouldn’t be going through the nightmare of writing the course again.
My C.G.P.A for hundred level really brought my hopes down, especially as I put a lot of effort in reading and preparing for the exams. I was not even among the top 50 in my class. I had a lot of B’s and just one A at the end of the first year. Not even in the GST courses which every Tom, Dick and Harry had A’s in. Quite a number of persons had five A’s at the end of the year thanks to the GST courses, but there I was with just one A. I was broken hearted and dejected. I had three E’s in three 3 credit courses (maths 123, chemistry 121 and chemistry 122). Just one E in a three credit course could bring down someone’s G.P drastically but I had three! My C.G.P.A was far below my expectation. It was a second class lower C.G.P.A. Academically I was a nobody in class, I guess socially too. Making a second class upper began to seem like an impossible mission.
Two hundred level came and I decided to change. I became regular in church though I still didn’t go for weekly services then till later on. I began to loosen up and started interacting with a few classmates. I read whenever I had the strength to read. I just wanted to graduate with a comfortable second class upper. I was not even dreaming of a four point G.P because it felt like an uphill task.
I stopped reading during the infamous ‘them don paste am’ era, that was close to the 2007 elections which was followed immediately with about two months strike by ASUU. I utilized the strike period well, going to school each day to read. When school resumed session, I was through reading I didn’t even have to go to night class. I revised each day on my bed after all I was not after a first class, just a comfortable second class upper. I still held on to my resolution not to cheat or ask anyone in the examination hall for answers. I found a comfortable seat at the front of the exam hall, just by the door which I sat on for most of my exams till I graduated. That seat later became well known as Princely’s exam seat. During later years, colleagues and lecturers teased me saying maybe I had written expo on the seat or jazzed it.
The only challenging course then was CSC (paschal programming). That course was abstract and weird to say the least. Heaven knows I didn’t know what I shaded in the hall that day. Results for the first semester two hundred level were released but CSC wasn’t released. My result brought a beautiful smile to my face. I had A’s and B’s. This time the A’s were more. Second semester was a lot better. I opened up to more classmates and made new friends. I started going for weekly services and joined a unit in fellowship. There was hope.
Second semester ending I got involved in a little gossip girl situation between a new friend of mine, his girlfriend and one of her ‘friend’. That brought out my leg in class and made me known to certain peeps in class. Well I paid for it with my grades. A night to one of my exams I was busy exchanging text messages just to expose the culprit instead of reading. That was an A course but I ended up having a B.
Looking back, I would say I was a complete student. I had all the grades from A to F. Even the two types of missing result, I had them. First missing result was recorded in two hundred level second semester when my result for the course wasn’t pasted on the result board so I had to meet my course adviser who then searched the raw scores and found my grade. The typist had omitted it. The second missing result was in three hundred level first semester when my result was never found so I had to re-write the course again in my fourth year.
At the end of my second year I had to meet my course adviser to check my paschal programming result and I expected to have an E or a D since that was what most people had in that odd course we all knew nothing about. I wasn’t expecting an F, after all my name was listed amongst the successful students in the result summary pasted on the board. I was shocked when my course adviser told me I had an F. I couldn’t believe it. I argued with him till he eventually showed me my raw score- 32. All that was on my mind that day was how I was going to prepare for the course that seemed to be written in Arabic. How on earth was one supposed to understand programming without a computer to practice with? I was troubled, but little did I know that true to God’s word, things were working out for my good. That was my only carry over course throughout my university education, but boy! It’s one carry over I thank God for always. The weird course was changed to a much easier course of which I wrote in fifteen minutes tops and came out with a beautiful result. Talk about beauty from pain. Then the course was returned back to paschal the next year after I had written the simple course. Indeed my academics was in God’s hands. My final C.G.P.A was a second class upper; actually it was a four pointer.
Three hundred level, I joined Fellowship of Agricultural Christian Students and became the editor in chief after serving as the assistant editor. I made more friends in class. Life was beginning to make sense as an undergraduate. I resumed night class reading. Things were awesome academically but I was going through serious personal issues. My academics were indeed in God’s hands and He never let my personal issues affect my studies. Emotionally I was a mess, trying so hard to figure things out and deal with moods wings, depression and other serious crap that was eating me up slowly.
My first semester result blew me away. I remember vividly how I shouted the day I set my eyes on the result board. It was much more than I had expected or hoped for. AGR311, a statistics course which scared the living day light out of so many of us, I had an A even after answering only two questions correctly and the other two questions I made serious mistakes in and left a lot of blank spaces. I also had an A in biochemistry, of which I left the exam hall depressed because I felt I had written crap. I remember how I had to stop reading a night before the biochemistry exam so I could attend mid week service hoping to continue reading after church but I couldn’t because it rained heavily so I ended up on my bed. The exam was slated for afternoon, so I spent all morning cramming the course. In the exam hall it was like my brain was all jammed up. I wrote whatever came to mind mixing up information. In fact I felt I wrote a total mess, so you can imagine my surprise when I had an A.
I was so elated by my result that it took me several minutes before I realized a result was missing. That was my second missing result case. Despite all the letters I wrote and various visits paid to the lecturer in charge of the course, nothing was done to rectify it so I had to re-write the course the following year. It was a blessing to me. I know that with what I wrote the first time, I probably would have had a B but I ended up having an A after rewriting it.
At the end of three hundred level, I had my first 1st class C.G.P.A. I was humbled at how far God had brought me from amongst the bottom of the class to amongst the top. At the end of that year I was among the top five going by that year’s G.P.A but cumulatively I was among the top 20. God was lifting me up academically and my hope for a second class upper turned into that of a first class. I became ambitious and wanted more.
Then I lost it. I began to focus so much on attaining a first class. I began making excuses and held on to the theory that since secondary school I always did better in the essay section of each exam than in the objective section, that’s why I didn’t do so well in hundred level as it was all objective and part of two hundred level exams were also objective, but from three hundred level it was essay all the way.
Four hundred level came and results were released after the completion of our field practical training (F.P.T) year. We travelled to various out stations throughout the second semester after spending the first in school. At the end of the year we wrote sixteen exams on the various aspects of the fpt year. By now I was friends with a larger proportion of my class. I became known as ‘the crammist’. I became overtly ambitious, determined to do my best to make a first class. People saw me as a scholar but I didn’t see myself as such because I never forgot where I was coming from. I had the fourth best result in my department that year, another first class C.G.P.A and I was happy and the desire for a first class burned even more. I stopped going for weekly services, dedicated most of my time to reading and I didn’t have a social life.
Five hundred level, my final year…the best year I had in school, by now I was friends with almost everyone, even some people I never thought I’d ever talk with, I became friends with them and I realized how much I had lost those years I kept to myself. The guy who was once relatively unknown and nobody academically was now mentioned amongst the ‘candidates’ (a term coined for those who had the possibility of making a first class.). I was no more the hermit of the class. I had gone through drastic change and the McSteamy persona was born. To say the least, final year was my best year in school even though some of my lecturers tried to ruin it for me with their office politics.
The pressure was on first semester five hundred level. Everyone knew I didn’t talk or cheat during test and exams. The temptation of cheating was not there. It was me and God. By then my mood swings and depression was common knowledge so people joked that I would commit suicide if I didn’t make a first class. Each time they did, inside of me I laughed and felt good because I never even dreamt I’d be amongst the tip of my class after my first year or even get close to making a first class. So yes, they could joke all they wanted. That I was close to making it was enough miracle in itself.
Two courses FOW511 and AEE5114, well AEE514 was the greater nightmare. We heard all sorts of talk about the lecturer and how hard it was to even get a C in his course. At times I wished I entered school with the previous set because theirs seemed all so easy. They had good lecturers and their class was not so competitive academically unlike mine. I did my final reading for AEE514 exam the night before the exam day with my night class mates. The pressure to pass the course was so much that night I could hardly understand a thing I read. I closed my book, went out into the dark and prayed. I went back to the class, packed my books and went to sleep. Early the next morning I went to the class and began cramming the entire course which was to be written that evening. I took some major risks FOW511 also. I also crammed the entire course the morning of the exam. God’s grace and mercy was indeed on me, I didn’t forget anything I had crammed. Those that cram would testify how difficult and time wasting cramming can be. Thanks to the flawed educational system we have in Nigeria where a lecturer expects you to write down what he gave to you the same way, word for word, comma for comma, full stop for full stop. Those that read to understand had B’s while those that crammed had A’s. That was what they wanted so I had to give it to them.
The five hundred level first semester examinations were the easiest I ever wrote but thanks to office politics and the so called quality control, our grades were slashed. By first semester beginning we had about nine candidates and I counted myself blessed to be among them, but by the end of first semester it was just four left and at the end of second semester just two were awarded first class after all the grade slashing.
When I lost the ‘candidacy’ at the end of first semester, I didn’t bother again. In a weird way I actually felt free. My life became easier. I knew I was a winner deep down. God brought me up to this awesome height I once dared not dream of. I remember a friend told me she was surprised I didn’t kill myself. I laughed in reply and explained to her how my journey began and how grateful I was to even be counted among the candidates. I hardly read for my second semester exams. I felt there was nothing more to lose or anything else to gain. Even if I had straight D’s in my second semester I was going to still graduate with not just a second class upper but a four pointer C.G.P.A. That was the worst case scenario. I hardly read or went to night class. A friend once said to me, “no one would believe that Princely can become this unserious.” I was felt free and couldn’t care less. I even warned my closet pal then who was still a candidate to stay away from me as I would affect him negatively and advised he became reading mates with the other three candidates.
Results were released and as expected grades were slashed but I didn’t care anymore. I remember the last course I wrote (land economics and rural sociology), it was a miracle that I had an A in it because I barely read for the land economics part and as the very last paper I wrote it with speed. I wanted to graduate quickly and be done with higher institution. I didn’t even bother to cross check my work. I wanted to be through with UNIBEN. Before the final results were released I learnt that the number of A’s in the course was low because most people didn’t do well in the land economics part, the very part of the course I didn’t read well! Still I had my miracle and got an A in the course. That year I had my third 1st class C.G.P.A despite my unseriousness second semester.
I can proudly say by God’s grace that all my exams were written with God on my side and I never asked for any sort of help from anyone in any exam. I remember in 300 level during biochemistry practical, what I did kind of caused a stir amongst a few friends who knew what I did. We were told to identify lab equipments and there was a funny looking centrifuge, it actually looked like a toilet. I sat for minutes trying to figure out exactly what it was, just then my eyes fell on my neighbour’s script accidentally and I saw the answer. I wrote it down thanking my lucky stars but soon afterwards my conscience began pricking me. So I cancelled it and submitted like that. Well, to cut the long story short, just that one answer didn’t stop me from having an A.
In hundred level a final year carry over student begged me to teach her botany in the exam hall, after much pleading from her I finally taught her as I felt if she spilled because of me that was one cross I really wasn’t ready to bear. During the course of the exam, she pointed out a mistake I had made in one of my answers; I thanked her and corrected it hoping she hadn’t led me astray. I was so happy I did teach her after all she helped me too. But on getting to the hostel, I don’t know why, but immediately after confirming from my text book that she didn’t lead me astray the next thing I did was to open my bible and behold he passage my eyes fell on was ‘don’t rejoice in evil’. That was the moment I decided I would always seat in front in any examination to avoid the temptation of having to talk to anyone.
There were times certain courses frustrated me, times I felt like dropping out of school. Yes, there were times I really wanted to drop out of school for real. It wasn’t easy at all, but God led me to wonderful friends and classmates who helped me out in their individual special ways at one point or the other. Thanks guys, you guys helped a lot to lift so much weight off of my shoulders.
Even though I didn’t make a first class, God showed Himself mighty in my academics and I knew it was Him all the way. From amongst the bottom of the class He brought me up and I graduated amongst the top ten of my department. He lifted me so high. Even times when I really strayed away especially the McSteamy era, He still was faithful and despite all the office politics, grade slashing and project score magical reduction and the infamous quality control I graduated with a C.G.P.A of 0.2 shy of a first class. Indeed it was God all the way, His ways are so much more higher than ours and I know he is taking me somewhere because the thoughts \he has for me are thoughts of peace and not of evil to bring me to an expected end and indeed all things are working together for my good. These He proved over and over in my academics even times I felt certain courses where going the wrong way they always came out better than I thought.
I have learnt from my experiences academically and one thing I know for sure is that God never fails; He is able to do exceedingly, abundantly above all what we can ever ask or think. God made my reality even better and greater than what I dared dreamed of, and for that I would forever remain grateful. On His wings indeed did I fly to the top, soaring high heights I never once though I could attain.